I did it again. My tone of voice was not sweet nor encouraging toward my husband. However, it is not the inflections of my voice that grieves me. You see, whether I pout or whine, all of my actions are merely manifestations of what lies deeper - my heart.
But praise the Lord for His grace and mercy. His grace so lavish in giving us what we do not deserve; His mercy so gentle in withholding what we deserve. I was reminded of His sovereignty when I stopped by a blog that has been so intense in the past week or so. You can read it here. Warning: It gets intense starting from Dec '08. (I had to stop at Feb '09 or else I would have bawled like a baby in front of my kids who were taking a Math test.)
I read about their lives and am put to shame for all that I take for granted. Yes, I'm trying to make each moment count in being sure to give him a hug and a kiss before he goes to play basketball. I also try to feed him delicious and nutritious meals while I have able hands. The one thing that I have the most trouble with is one of the smallest muscles we have on our body - the tongue. I (quite often) tell my students that God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we would listen twice as much as we talk, but it's just as hard for me to remember. Lord, help me.
On a broader level, isn't it wonderful that we can jump, skip, run, and frolic on the grass? Without having to gasp for air, nor be in pain? I can walk up and down the halls as I run my teacher errands, sometimes with complaints, but I don't see it as a blessing. If only I had set my mind on the things above... (Col. 3:2)
And that's exactly it. I haven't read much this past week. As a born-again believer, I do not have check-lists of things to do. However, if I truly loved our heavenly Father as I ought and claim, why do I not yearn for the pure milk of the Word, especially since I indeed have tasted the kindness of the Lord? (1 Pet. 2:2-3)
Had I been feasting in Bible, I would have been thinking biblically. This is not to say that I am so great and can do things due to this power I possess, but rather a testament to what God can do in us for His glory. I think of Eph 4 and am rebuked because my words to my husband were not gentle; the words themselves might have been fine, but the way I said them changed their meanings. With each situation we have a choice, and the choice that I made came at the cost of disunity between husband and wife and the church body.
As I continue on in the chapter, however, my spirits are lifted because though my sins weigh me down, Christ has conquered them all and gives me new life! And there it is: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted..." God gives us a free gift, but it was at the expense of our Savior's blood. Regardless of acceptance or rejections, we are all held accountable for actions. I made a mistake, but I have an opportunity to restore the unity that Christ humbled Himself for. If I don't do this now, I'm going to regret it. Thanks for listening to my ranting. Excuse me, while I go ask for forgiveness from my husband...